I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
