If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
