We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
