A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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