atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
