Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
