Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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