apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
