Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
