I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
