OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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