I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
