I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
