I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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