if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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