we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
