Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
