I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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