you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
