Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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