Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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