is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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