I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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