So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
