I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
