apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
