Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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