Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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