Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
