If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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