You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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