Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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