She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I could fuck to npr.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
