I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
