The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
