Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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