Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
