I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The beer is more important than you right now.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
