I'm going to jail i love you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
