A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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