Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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