I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
