My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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