i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
