i was born a porn star she said
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
