Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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