I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
