You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
