bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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