On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
